WHAT WENT WRONG: HOW IT ALL BEGAN

It is 6am, my little sweetie has had me up since 2:30 am. She is now asleep on the couch and I have been thinking about our time in CHCH and a conversation I had with gareth (my brother) about Kaitlin's beginnings. He was asking me about why I went into early labour etc, and I have thought a bit of history on the blog would be good for those who have wondered but didn;t want to ask. So...
I had a threatened miscarriage (bleeding) with Kaitlin at 7weeks and again at 13weeks. The second time it really didn't look good so mum and dad met Wayne and I at the after hours emergency where the doctor said all I could do was go home and wait. Either the bleeding would get worse and we would lose the baby or it would stop. Thank god it stopped but our little girls tenacity had shown itself, and the drama that was to be the hallmark of KJ's first 12 months had begun.
At around 23 weeks, I began to feel like I was wetting my pants slightly all the time. I rang our midwife (she was on a cell and in a hurry, this was to be a common occurance) and she gave me the bums rush off the phone with some explanation of increased secretions during pregnancy. I was working at this time in two houses of 5 people in each with severe disabilities. There was a bit of lifting people and shackling wheelchairs into vans and physical work, but it felt manageable. A few days later I had really bad pains in my abdomen, but it felt no worse than bad constipation. I rang my midwife, Anne Corkin, and she told me to eat more fibre and get some kiwi crush. So I did. A week later the pain was so bad that I couldn't drive the work van and had to go home. I rang the midwife and told her I was worried and she said "I TOLD you to look after your bowel!"in an impatient, annoyed way. Hmmm, it just didn't feel right. I told my best friend Frith, Ï know it sounds crazy but I feel like my placenta is rotton or something, it feels like this baby is sick inside me. That Friday I was so worried because the pain was still there and Kaitlin (who used to do a funny dance inside me when Friends came on TV at night) hadn't moved for a few days. I kinew I wasn't going to get anywhere with our midwife and I didn't want to be a silly panicky first time mum (which is how she had made me feel) so I rang Healthline and asked what they thought. "Get straight to the doctor!"was the reply. So I went. They listened to Kaitlin's heartbeat, did my blood pressure and sent me off saying, you guessed it, ït's normal for a first time mum to worry. So the next day when I had to drive to mum and dad's house for mum's birthday in so much pain that I had to rest only on one butt cheek because the pressure in my abdomen was so bad, there was no way in hell I was going to ring someone and feel stupid again. Even though Wayne's mum said we should. At mum's the pain was intense but on and off every 20 minutes or so, so I decided it must be Braxton Hicks. "Heehee I think this baby is coming!" I joked with my cousin and her friends, in between doubling up with pain and panting. "Jeez Becks if you're this bad with practise contractions, imagine how you'll go with the real thing"said my my mum. I was so miserable I went home. There was green goo in my pants. Thats not right I thought so I swallowed my pride and rang the midwife, getting the it's normal speel again. I lay in bed with Wayne and the Pains were 10 minutes apart. Then some orange jelly came out. We rang the midwife and she said to get a wheat bag, disprin and stay in bed. She said if I didn't feel any better in the morning, she was inducing someone at the hospital at 9am and she would meet us there then. We rang Wayne's mum. "For gods sake, thats not normal, call the hospital!" she said. When we did they told us to come straight in but to tell our midwife. We did but she still wouldn't come to the party. So at about 1am we drove in and got taken to a birthing suite for observation and wouldnt you know it! The pain went away. Until they asked for a urine sample and as I stood up I gushed blood. Action stations. They lay me on a bed with my feet up, strapped me to a feotal heart monitor and at about 3am sent someone in to say that if we had the baby this early there could be complications, disability etc, but not always and that we may be able to hold it in if I stay in bed. At that age, now 24weeks 5 days (at that stage of gest ev day counts!) the baby's lungs are not developed so it can't breathe on its own if it's born, so they pumped me with steroid injections to speed up the lung development. There I lay for two-three days, friends and family holding vigil. Confused, scared and receiving conflicting info about whether she would be born or I would be on bed rest for weeks. Looking back now, neither Wayne or I were at all able to digest any of this or the enormity of what was happening, and when my midwife stuck her head in the door and said I'd probably be at home that afternoon on the couch drinking a cuppa and watching TV, I honestly thought that was a possibility until I asked the doc and got a very grave look. It turned out the "pants wetting" had been my waters leaking slowly, my cervix was dilated, the "green mucus"had been the plug that comes away when you go into labour (ha! so I wasn't being a wuss mum :-) and my white blood cell count was so high they didn't know how I had been walking around. This indicates infection so Kaitlin and I had to be treated for that also. The bug we had was all through my placenta and things. It is called Urea Plasma, lives in 80% of women and is only a problem if you are pregnant. As it is only detectable by blood test and there were three women in neonatal with prem babies because of it, I recommend that anyone who is pregnant request the blood test for it as it isn;t offered to you. True to form, Kaitlin was breech and waited for our mums (who had been camping out at the hospital all weekend) to go home for quick showers before she made her grand entrance (natural delivery) into the world on Monday morning 2nd October. To be honest I have had wind that was more difficult to pass! The room was full of nurses and doctors and Wayne (who was my rock). Kaitlin had obs done. She was 30cm, 800g. They put her in an oven bag thingee to keep her warm and whisked her away to neonatal. I don't remember much of that except not wanting to touch her or look at her because I was sure she was going to die. It was a feeling that would last only a few hours until I saw her, but reared it horrible head many times in the next six months as our little girl was quite literally tortured in my opinion and fought (and won) many battles for her life during that time. That's a whole other blog someday though.

HOME AGAIN!

Over a month since Kaitlin has slept in her own bed and we are having a few teething problems (literally and figuratively speaking) settling back in. She has been howling any time Daddy comes near her which is reallu upsetting for Wayne. She slept maybe an hour last night, vomitted in her cot(which she shouldn't be able to do after the stomach wrap. The vomit had a bit of blood in it, which has us worried and she is having a lot of deep blue-spells. We are trying to be positive - it was major surgery and her routine has been terribly disrupted, but it is awful for her and disheartening for us. We always wait for the day that all of this will get easier and it just doesn't seem to come. The surgery has left her way behind physically and Wayne and I talked briefly today about how high our expectations have been for Kaitlin and how we thought that with enough time, work and love on our part we thought we could help this wee girl achieve miracles. We haven't given up, it's just that it seems like 3 steps forward then 5 steps back at times. She is so far behind in her physical development now that on a bad day I feel like no matter what I do, her body is never going to obey her to do even the simplest of things. On a good day, I feel that we just haveto try, try, try and eventually Kaitlin will turn a corner and be able to tell her body what to do. She is still here though, still cheeky, and happy (most of the time) and so loved by so many people, especially her mummy and daddy, and that is the main thing and what will keep her and the two of us going strong and moving forward every day with hope and determination.

THEN AND NOW

Kaitlin got to catch up with cousin Sam Russell this week. Look what a difference 10 months have made. Both girls are even more beautiful X

SNUGGLES WITH AUNTY FRITH

Mummy's favourite two girls share a special moment in Christchurch. Thank you for being such a massive support and reassuring and loving presence during a difficult time Frith. We love youxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CUTE COUSINS

We had a family re-union over the weekend on my mums side of the family. It was a dress up island theme party for birthdays. My Aunty Wendy's 30th (ha of course not but she'd kill me if I didn't fib!), and cousins Aimee and Kristys 21st (although they've been telling bouncers that for years eh girls, ssshh). I am getting some awesome photos of the night off Wendy's camera esp of the K all dressed up looking bee-oo-ti-ful, but until then the other big highlight of the weekend was catching up with my cousin Kylie and meeting her and Steven's wee man Lucas who is a ball of energy and laughs and a real hard case already at 9 mnths! Mind you, he couldn't miss! Here are Kylie and I and the two first great-grandchildren in the family. Well first three actually but one hasn't arrived or even started to show yet - and NO it's not me. You can breathe again Wayne darling X

WE LOVE FOOD!!

Eating it and wearing it. Kaitlin eats it and I wear what she doesnt want. We are a good team. The next time doctors tell us it isn't a good idea to feed Kaitlin orally, I will show them these photos. Who could deprive a child of this enjoyment? Definitely getting better every day. YAY!!!!

BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!

Humungous apologies for my total slackness in blogging, we havent fallen off the face of the earth, but 3+ weeks in hospital sure felt like it!! Turns out that mummy knew best after all and after anaesthetising Kaitlin and getting her on the table for her peg surgery, the doctors discovered that her wrap in her stomach HAD come undone and she WAS INDEED REFLUXING!!! Hmmm I only tried to tell the professionals that for about a month but you know, they are the experts. Anyway Kaitlin had to go to recovery and go to the High Dependency Unit because putting these kids to sleep for surgery can be risky. Between her setting off every alarm possible constantly and only an armchair for me to sleep in, it was a long couple of nights. The whole time we were in hospital Kaitlin pulled the most impressive breath holding purple/blue spells I have seen for a while. While Wayne and I are used to these and just deal with them, the hospital staff got so worked up, nervous and stressed (and told me they were anxious and stressed) and called her a phenomenon, and were like "Oh my god how do you ever sleep and not worry?" that after about two weeks of this I was thinking to myself "how do we sleep?" "Should we sleep?" "are we too laid back?" and got myself into a bit of a tizz. We were then told that no one was willing to put her to sleep for the two major operations because she was too risky, and we would have to wait a couple of weeks and see if she got any more stable. This was a catch 22 cos she wasn't going to get more stable untill she had the surgery I pointed out. Yes they said it is a problem. Anyway the next day they said OK we will do it tomorrow, we have found an anaesthetist courageous enough to give it a go. EXCUSE ME!!!! GIVE IT A GO???? That is my one and only precious baby you are talking about, we will not be giving anything a go thank you very much!



I'm getting carried away with detail here when I know most people probably just want to see photos of the gorgeous one, so here we are: 31/2 weeks in hospital, dozens of blue spells, anaesthetised twice, two surgeries, one g-tube, tons of crying (both of us), plenty of morphine (only for Kaitlin unfortunately) and a messy sore wound for a week and four new teeth later. Phew! Our little soldierette is happier than ever now, recovering at her nan and grandads in Christchurch and delighting everyone with her smiles and quirky ways. Here are some photos of her catching up with her Uncle G this week.

LEAVIN ON A JET PLANE

It's funny how when you're travelling with a baby, you look like you're packing enough stuff for 20 years not two weeks!!! Add to all of that an oxygen cylinder, tubing, special pushchair, carseat, and a nurse, and I think we're going to be a pretty funny looking entourage tomorrow. I'm sure Kaitlin will take it all in her stride (or at least I HOPE!) I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not so much going to resemble Posh, Angelina, Elle, or Nicole swanning around airports with their beautiful clothes and beautiful children, as much as an uncomfortably sticky, sweating, red, puffing, angry, running late, nicotine starved beast - with my beautiful child, who, as gorgeous as she is, won't be much help in the baggage handing department. We arrive in CHCH at 1:00 tomorrow and straight to the hospital, ready for Kaitlin's surgery on Tuesday. I must point out at this point that Wayne is the worlds best dad and between the two of us we handle our little beauty not sleeping, remarkably well. The prospect of doing this on my own for two weeks and POST SURGERY makes me feel knackered already! Wayne is also better at soothing Kaitlin when she is upset, I get upset myself when she is sick, and frustrated, so I'm going to have to dig deep I think. I'm the worlds worst sleep deprived person, ask Wayne. Or my mum. Or Wayne's mum. Or my brother. Or either of our dads. You get the picture.

On the good news front, Little Johnny is a box of birds and much stronger now for the surgery, so we are feeling very relieved and happy about that. We can;t wait for it all to be over and for Kaitlin to be back to her cheeky, sassy little self and feeling much better. I'm at home tonight and supposed to be packing. No new photos, so I'll leave you with an oldie but goodie. This is one of my faves, and I think the look shows how she will be feeling when she realises she is in my sole care for 2 weeks, heehee. WE WILL MISS U DADDY!!!!! xxx

TOUGH LIL PEANUT

The next time I feel like my day is so crappy that I can't muster a smile for anyone, I'm gonna take a lesson from our daughter. Here's our little trooper in the hospital smiling up at us beautifully, even though she's had a week of needles, is on oxygen, has a tube up her nose running down her throat into her tummy, is nil by mouth and is being suctioned 3 hourly. What an amazing kid!!